No matter how motivated, driven or aligned we are, everyone of us goes through a period in our life when we are stuck in a rut.
Here are some of the sure signs your life is stalled:
- Your energy drops dramatically
- You suddenly become undecided, confused as to your next step
- Now, playing the game becomes more important than achieving results
- Seemingly overnight you are gaining weight, not sleeping and generally in ill health
- And the biggy…you lose hope and stop dreaming about what is possible barely able to make it through what “is”
It can happen without warning to the most optimistic of people.
Suddenly progress slows to a crawl, you get bored, nothing seems to inspire you and the lack of results you are getting can be frustrating.
From the pages of “Achieving Extreme Greatness” – When your life gets stuck in a rut, here are 10 things you can do to help break the habit…
- Convince yourself it will pass. When you are in a rut it seems that you will never break free, by recognizing that this is simply a phase you are going through, a period that you can change so take the pressure off and change will come faster
- Exercise. Even though times like this make any sort of physical exercise even more challenging, you must break free and focus on at least low-grade exercise such as a walk, jog or swim
- Get social. We tend to become withdrawn in the low points of our life, a better approach is to join a new sport, hobby, fitness class, support group or other social activity where you can be with others
- Change your diet. We tend to become self-destructive in times of trouble within our lives – eating too much sugar and carbohydrates, escaping reality with alcohol and stimulants – by breaking these bad habits we can build momentum that will break out of our rut
- Change your routine. Being stuck in a rut is really succumbing to a pattern of bad habits – by breaking your routine, just one step toward change can get the ball rolling
- Baby steps. Our tendancy is to wait for some major life event to break us out of our rut when the best way to quickly escape this hell-like, self-imposed prison is to take small steps each day toward improving our life
- Change your company. There are times in my life where I was kept in a rut largely by the negative energy of the people around me. When you are stuck in life look around you, do you have positive role models or mentors you can rely on to help you see the light?
- Step Up – Take Responsibility. Look inward and understand that you have everything you need to succeed wildly today, it’s just that you are relying on external factors for your success. By taking responsibility for changing your situation you empower yourself to break free of your rut.
- Introspection and Meditation. When things around you get so heavy, so meaningless and challenging – give yourself permission to focus inward for 30-minutes each day by practicing yoga and meditation. With just a week of consistent meditation you will be amazed at how less terrible you will feel about your current rut
- Know the signs. Take stock each day of your feelings, your accomplishments and how well aligned your actions are with your inner purpose and desire. Recognize how you feel and how you respond when under pressure, out of control and out of alignment. If you can identify these characteristics early you can take control before you get stuck in a rut
There is no reason to spend another day stuck in a rut. Use these 10 techniques to break free and begin living life the way you really want to once again.
Pings on Is Your Life Stuck In A Rut – 10 Ways Out
Comments on Is Your Life Stuck In A Rut – 10 Ways Out
Thank you
Great post. It’s helpful to give tips for people to make change. Even small changes can have a major impact on how we perceive life.
What if you moved to a new city…don’t know many people…the people you do befriend are only out for themselves…”whats in it for me? How can I use and abuse the shit out of you?” So I isolate I believe it is better to be alone than in bad company…so how do you get social? And if you walk the dog to do it and people seem to run the other way…or talk only for a short time…like I have the plague? What then? What if you have no car, no job, no friends, no money, no boyfriend, no boobs? What if you can’t change your diet because you situation doesn’t allow you to? Your skills to cook do not allow you to? What then? Get comfortable in the rut?
I liked your point number 6. Take baby steps. That is so important. Many times we get confused with making life changing decisions like career changes and really the answer is hidden in the little steps.
My life has been going down hill for approximately three years, when I moved in with my current boyfriend. He has ended up being controlling, (didn’t want me to work so I stopped, duh), controls all the money, kicks me out every other week, threatens to shut off the lights water etc. I have been raising my two grandkids, now 16 and 19, plus I have taken in two homeless teenagers. My boyfriend gets mad over any and every little thing, he is mad more than he is not. I am going through a total depression, been looking for work. Wake up every day, counting the minutes until I can go back to bed and forget my life. Help me please. I did go to the doctor he put me on klonpin which kind of helped at first but now seems to be doing nothing and I don’t want to get addicted to some medication. I have no friends (he wouldn’t allow that either), I look back and no how truly stupid I was to let him get this control that he now has but I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t find a damn job, have no family and no where to turn.
@Julia:
I am sorry Julia you are going through this. I believe you are going through something terrible and no one should make you feel this way. Your life isn’t about waking up only to looking forward to going back to bed. You should have a lot more drive and passion. You sound so hospitable and caring…you do not deserve this. Either dump him or move out as that loser isn’t worth even a tear from you. You must get up and LEAVE! Easier said than done and time is a healer but you must do it..I was physically and mentally abused until I forced myself out of it. I am now married to a lovely person..albeit not perfect marriage but my self-respect is here, my dignity is here and I am not ill-treated..I just have to deal with his extended family for now!!!
@Annie: perhaps if you think people are only out for themselves you are shying away from something you dislike about yourself, and are only concerned about what’s in it for you, the best way to form a mutually beneficial relationship with someone is to simply strive to benefit their interests rather than your own. in other words, do stuff for other people, and they will like you, and perhaps reciprocate. we humans used to rely on community and altruism, but the corporatocracy has weeded out those good traits by making us seem “self sufficient” when we really rely on corporations for our jobs, our food, our other necessities, and thus our identities, humanity is in a big giant rut, and we are being dug deeper by people that want us exactly where they have put us, and have been keeping us our whole lives. one good way to reach people is by learning to make really good food, and giving it away.
@Annie- I know exactly how you feel. I feel so trapped! I don’t know anyone and no matter how many people I call to do things with they are always busy or just don’t call me back at all. We should be friends 🙁 haha
If you don’t know anyone I recommend hobbies. Take an evening cooking class. Take up yoga. Do something that you never thought you would ever do! But make sure you do it with people. Getting positive feedback from others is what we all need to feel good about ourselves. We’re all good at something. Spend your life finding the things you are good at, that bring you joy, and hold on to these tightly.
Thank you for posting the article above. Now I am convinced that I am stuck in a rut! I am at the office right now and I can’t seem to start a task. I have been asking myself what is going on with me? Why suddenly I am not happy with the leadership position I have and yes, “playing the game becomes more important than achieving results”… so true. The 5 signs are so applicable to me.
I was in the same situation 2 years ago so I left my previous job. Now I am in this same situation and I don’t want to happen what happened before. I will try to act on the tips above and see if these miracles will work. I know it will never be easy. Everyday, I have to drag myself to work. My performance is trending low and I can’t help my team motivate themselves anymore as I lost my drive. My boss asked me if I am “stuck in a rut?” which them made me think big time. The answer is yes. I am. And so I forced myself to look for answers and browse the net. I hope the tips will help me get back on track even though I have no support from my boss. I guess he didn’t know what I am going through. But anyhow, thank you Jeff. I also hope the 10 tips will help me break free and start living my life the way I’ve always wanted to. Thanks again!!!
Bren – this is exactly why I posted on this particular topic – we all get to the point where we feel stuck in a rut, sometimes we reach it several times in our life…that is perfectly normal. The key is to recognize these periods, get to expect them and know how to move on without it impacting our lives for long periods of time or giving up altogether. Being stuck is actually somewhat of a gift when you consider the healthy result is to take stock of where we are, look back inside of ourselves and re-align our life at that point in time to better reflect our core values, beliefs and desires at that time in our life. We constantly learn more, gain more experience and evolve which means these times of getting stuck end up in renewal keeping our lives moving forward, exciting and fulfilling.
Am still stuck in a rut. Life changed dramatically 6 months ago where I was made redundant (woohoo global financial crisi), where my bf left me and my dear dear beloved father passed away in a sudden unexpected event. I blindingly took the first job available (regret regret regret) and as I start coming out of my grief I realise – what the hell am I doing here. Have started taking new classes, getting fitter, learning french and a new musical interest just to have something to look forward to at the end of each day to make the week fly by. Still – there are times when it is tough and you think “when will all this end and life go back to normal”. The answer: I dont know and still dont know. Just hoping that change would happen somehow.
I also feel as though I’m stuck in a rut. It’s so hard because it’s as if my mind plays tricks on me. One day I feel as though I know where I’m headed and what I want & the next day everything feels impossible to achieve.
It’s so hard because I even feel guilty about the fact that I don’t have it as rough as some ppl yet I still manage to feel down. I hate feeling like this and want to be happy and lit up inside again. I think Jeff’s suggestions are really good and will try to implement them myself. Thank you for this site, it makes me feel less alone to know that others also have insecurities and these same low points. Hopefully “this too shall pass”.
Denise, one thing we need to figure out is if your main challenges (when you get the feelings of being overwhelmed or that your direction is impossible) is with the ultimate goals and objectives you have set out or if the challenges are more around fears, anxiety or low self-confidence about reaching that ultimate objective.
Do you have a sense for which one of these may be causing the hiccups you mention?
When you get the feelings that your goals are impossible to reach, do you believe it has to do with the goals you have selected or with uncertainties/fears/negative challenges that impact your belief that you will get there?
Jeff
I know that I’m stuck in a rut and have been for some time now, but I don’t see any reason for me to be in one; I got into the university of my choice, got a first class in my fresher year and made it onto the rowing team having never done it before. But since my first year I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper into a state of inertia- I’m no longer motivated, haven’t made any decisive steps to help me find a job after uni, I find it hard to complete simple tasks to a deadline and I feel lonely and sad because I’ve spread myself too thin and so have no close friends, just lots of acquaintances. I find myself avoiding social situations, trying to absorb myself in my work (and subsequently becoming more and more inefficient and getting worse and worse grades), and find I have no confidence in myself. I’ve got a loving boyfriend and supportive parents, and I feel selfish and like I am letting them down. Every time I say to myself I need to make a change, it always backfires and I end up going one step forward, 500 steps back.
First, it is good that you have recognized that rut – next know that we all go through this at times, so it is not just you, but everyone feels this way at different times of their life, it is what we do in responsive to those feelings that can make the biggest difference.
It is hard to figure it all out based on your comments above, but there seem to be two potential areas that could be behind your rut. One may be the university & pending change to a new life with a job. It could be that it wasn’t all you expected, you are fearing you may be headed in the wrong direction or you simply fear the next change – to a paying job.
At the same time, you mention your lack of close friends…outside of your boyfriend. That can certainly lead to a rut. It is common for people in university to feel this way as the work load increases, you are in a relatively new life situation and everyone is a little uncertain about where they will be in a few years. When this happens you need to try harder to put yourself in situations where relationships will form naturally. Take a course for fun, join the school gym, join a local toastmasters public speaking course, see if your school has a running club…etc
Not only will doing something for the enjoyment of it help get out of your mental rut, it will give you a new opportunity to form relationships and friends…
Finally, getting better at relaxing, introspection and breaking down your fear boosting self confidence are all supported within Attracting Greatness at http://www.attractgreatness.com – I would certainly get a copy and follow the steps & techniques outlined there.
Jeff
Thanks for the great post. I’m one of the many who feel stuck in a rut once in a while. I get distracted by always keeping busy, yet there comes moments from nowhere when I feel like everything is such a burden. What happens then, even after trying all the things you’ve mentioned?
I am stuck un such a financial and emotional rut. I am 48years old my finances are getting worse and so is the rut i am in. I come home from work and don’t do anything, I used to go to the gym. I have no motivation I feel like I am in a dead end job. I would love to take courses but know that it is just one more thing I will start and not follow thru with because every time I go to take a test I fail it and then don’t want to continue. I need some advice
I have been in a rut now since May. My girlfriend of 2 years tells me that “its not you its me” routine, breaks up with me a few days later. We have worked together for 7 years. I have been to counseling for 6 months and that has helped a bit. I have had no contact with my ex since July. Also every interview that I go on, always seems to be the same result….”thanks we appreciate you coming in and interviewing with us, but we have decided to go in a different direction. Good luck on the upcoming school year.” Sucks! And trying to make ends meet is tough…I just feel like there is no end in sight. Sucks not having her in my life, I thought with a new job, might be something to get me going, but it didn’t happen..Just same cycle and all I hear is…”things will look up, you will find someone.” Well I don’t want to find someone, because she was the one….and now I have to spend everyday in the same building as her, crossing paths with her and being ignored…and all those who are our “mutual friends” will say, “oh well life goes one.” I just am looking for a way to get out of this rut.
For a while now, Ive been in this rut of just plain feeling down. It wasn’t till I was writing a poem and needed to know that ‘rut’ was spelled so easily that I stumbled upon this article. Im a student in collage, got a scholarship and all. And in my two years there ive been getting distant to all. I started off the top of my class. Talking to everyone that passed by, asking them about their lives. Then for some reason I started to feel lost. Instead of looking for conversation like ive done all my life. Im avoiding it all together. I try not to make eye contact with people most of the time. Just telling myself im here to focus on work. But the funny thing is (not really that funny) Now my grades are at a all time low. Im graduating in 3 months without my feet on the ground and I know it should be motivation for me to get my life straight but I havnt felt that awakening yet. Anyways. I want you to know that Im sure you’ve helped out a lot of people with this article and I for one am grateful. No matter how down you are, every one needs a little pick me up and reading this has really made me think. Its been a hand on my shoulder (after the slap in the face) telling me its all going to be okay. Thank you my man. Im going to stay strong and believe in myself which is the first step of it all 🙂
im 15 and im stuck in a rut right now…
i don’t know how to get out of it…
a lot of people have told me i changed…but i say to myself that i only changed my appearance and not my attitude, but they think i have changed…
the people around me don’t like the person i am right now…
i got beaten up twice in 2 days by more than 30 people…
what made me get beaten up was because this person thought i was flirting with his girlfriend on facebook…
i told him i didn’t but he didn’t believe me…he got 30 people or more to beat me up and show me a lesson…
before the fight, all this summer i was saying to myself that this is a ‘minor’ argument and it will go away…
but it didn’t…and i got rushed.
people say that i deserve to get rushed because i changed for the worse…so i tried convincing people that i didn’t change…i only changed my appearance…
so i thought that it was a good time to deactivate my account…and move on…
but i have a lot of haters in school and im afraid what people would say and what they would think…
i keep on saying to myself that this must be a punishment from god…
and i keep on regretting the mistakes i made in the last few months…
i keep on saying to myself ‘if only i didn’t get on facebook, none of this would have happened and nobody would hate me for who i am’…
i have lost a lot of friends and i feel very down in my life…
i am simply lost in my life…and i’m about to start yr 11 and i want to enjoy my last year but i don’t know how to enjoy it…
can you please give me advice on how to move on from this difficult period of my life. :'(
@Eric:
You might want to consider “running away” and move to a different city/town/state.etc…………………………. even if it’s just to help you feel neutral in order to start over as it always helps me feel more calm when I am not near the problems and a solution may just pop up for long term.
You know throw away the clutter and give yourself a fresh start and just think to yourself as being born all over again except you know how to get basic human needs. 😉
If your Ex girlfriend wants to join the “dark forces” by acting like a jerk then she can as you never know what is going on in her background. She could be into Ouja boards and possed by demons or into other unhealthy crap that makes her negative which makes you negative which is making me negative.
NO NOT THE RUT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn. I am feeling negative all over again. 🙁 Thanks a lot.
@Julia:
Julia, please don’t take any extreme step. Just continue to look for a job, any sort. It’s very important for you to gain self reliance. Learn something new. Don’t think you’ve exhausted all possibilities… because you haven’t.
very heplful tips.thanks a lot. 🙂
I feel as if i have been stuck in a rut ever since i graduated from college and came home. I took the first job i could and have been working there ever since. Im depressed, have lack of motivation, i work 4-12 so i dont socialize much with people. I may have a drinking problem. I quit drinking for over a year and a half and then just randomly drank one day and still feel bad about it to this day. ive been drinking sporadically here and there since then but its always alone and impulsive and stupid. Ive tried AA but didnt like it. anyways. i just dont know what to do. im going to try these suggestions and see where they take me. oh and also i started smoking 5 months ago and i hate it! I dont know who i am what i like and what i want to do next. i think about it like every day. my job pays well and its in the feild i studied but i just dont know what the next move is. i want to be in a relationship w/ someone, move out of my parentss house (im 25!) and travel and do fun things in my life….but now im practically a hermit. fun is going to work and being depressed.
hi Jackie – as with many of us who get stuck in a rut, the good news is that YOU have the ability to bring yourself out of it. Sounds like most of the negative behaviors (drinking, smoking, general feelings of being stuck) are mainly due to a lack of anything to look forward to… a vision or purpose. The first step – as outlined in Attracting Greatness – http://www.attractgreatness.com is to work on identifying and focusing on a new purpose. That doesn’t mean that what you discover as a purpose will happen right away – for many people it takes years, but what it WILL do is to light a new fire under you — give you new hope — a reason to live a more enjoyable and disciplined life. Without anything to shoot for, we tend to substitute other bad behaviors like drinking, smoking, over-eating, negative thinking, and so on… What needs to be done is to work on some exercises that will help to bring out a purpose – this often involves a combination of looking back at what really has made you happiest in the past along with identifying a set of factors that must be in place where you best perform (where you feel happy, energized, and at peace) – then we can link those characteristics up to a new set of goals and determine a purpose. Believe me, if you have a well thought out purpose, you can put up with a lot in yoru life in the interim as long as you are working a plan to eventually live more in line with your purpose.
Thanks for the tips. I dont have anything to look forward to at all. This is why my mind is constantly wandering away from the present moment and into other past events or future fears. Because this depression is so severe my mind has even honored the thought of death. I am so ashamed by this. Im taking medication and its been 4 months on it and it doesnt work. But then in my head i say “just for today” and keep taking it. Also my parents wont allow me to live at home unless i am taking medication and under a dr’s care so im feeling a little pressure in this sense. I have no purpose to life and i also have no joy in my life. I have been in the hospital before for psychiatric care and none of the visits made me show improvement. Im just a depressed blob wasting her life away. I live in the past. Wallow in self-pity. I dont like myself. I dont date or go out with friends. I feel SOOOOOOOOOO guilty for living home, causing stress on my family. I want to move out but im scared to. Im not satisfied with my job. Im not satisfied with my life at all actually. All i want to do is sleep. I LIVE to sleep. Its like im just waiting to just die already. I wish i could get myself out of this hole. I pray every day that I wake up and just fell happy and content. Ive had no real traaumas in my past (unless you call hospitalizations or suicidal thoughts traumas). I have no real “reason” to feel this way. I speak to my family about my depression sometimes and they think i have no problems. Which i really dont! The only problem i have now is my suicidal thoughts. I cried alot today. Ive cried alot in the past. I just dont think im going to make it. I was sober for 4 months and going to AA. but i recently decided i wasnt an alcoholic and drank and i regret it so much. bc now i have to “start all over again” im not going back to AA though…i just dont have a purpose. I feel like a really bad person. Im alienating myself from my family and friends. I pretty much have no friends actually. I did all this to myself. i programmed myself this way and i have to deprogram myself. right now im going to go to sleep and i know tomorrow i will feel exactly the same way. maybe eveen worse. because i had such an uneventful unproductive day.
this feels like slow suicide.
i think ive become some sortof fast food eating corporate robot.
which freaks me out because ive been a free spirited healthy creative person my entire life, but not for the last couple of years. one life trauma lead to another, and a cycle of coping has rendered me barely functional. I am homeless (living in my car), driving from state to state to cities where i do not know a soul, i have a stupid commission job that requires me to travel constantly, i have no concept of “home base”. when i have a decent week financially, i get hotel rooms (vs sleeping in car) and blank out in front of the TV watching the rediculous trash, which, besides eating, has become my only ‘hobby’. i’ve become helplessly addicted to fast food which is really a shocking alternate reality for me considering i had been a vegan food activist for about 10 years. i avoid social circumstances at all costs due to embarassment of having gained at least 80lbs in the last year. no one in my family or any of my friends know about the severe weight gain, and i am terrified to expose it to anyone. this is the primary reason i took this job, and am living in my car; to remain away from people who know me. its just too humiliating, especially because i was always the one to turn to for advice on health and wellbeing,,i was a certified yoga facilitator for 7 years. .and now, here i am a total food-addicted, TV addicted, homeless loser contributing nothing to society.
ive lost my zest for life. i am painfully lonely, i feel horrible guilt and self hatred. ive been thinking ‘its just a phase, i got this, ill get back on track soon’…its been 3 years of this, and things have gotton consitantly worse.
for the last several months i have made a serious effort, with everything i got, to change.
i even invested in a top of the line cleansing kit to jump start a life paradigm of health restoration. ive started the program twice and failed to complete it both times. i went for 3 weeks without eating meat, dairy or gluten products, thinking: yes! i am slowing ascending, heading in the right direction. but apparently not, because 4 days ago in a late night haze of saddness and bordom i hit up like 3 fast food resturants and have been eating tons of processed dairy and wheat food products since, to the point where i am aching in every joint, and bursting at the seams with my heart racing. my knees have started to hurt, i have acid indigestion so bad i almost fainted and have to take prilosec everyday, im only 28. its like im trying to kill myself with food. it seems like these impulses truely supercede my ability to control my actions, which is fucking terrifying. its shocking how much can eat. ive eaten 10 burritos in one sitting, and still had room for desert. when i order food its like im ordering for 3 or 4 people. im really scared that im just going to spend all the rest of my money on food untill im totally homeless, like sleeping in the shelter/begging with a cardboard sign homeless, not to mention unhealthy. i really dont know what to do. this is beyond ‘rut’. i feel like i need to make a highly stratigc jail break out of my own psychic patterns…it seems impossible. the thought of being dead and forgotton is very appealing. IF ANYONE HAS ANY LIGHT TO SHED, PLEASE DO
Tara – the good in all of this is that YOU have the power to turn things around…and even though you are in a low place right now, you can begin turning the tables and get back on the right path.
Your fast-food binging is just a symptom of deeper emotional sadness & uncertainty – so those emotional challenges need to be tackled before the symptoms. There are Millions and Millions of people that abuse food, alcohol and each other because of where they are emotionally – you are certainly not the only one, even though it may feel that way at times.
You talk about the series of trauma’s that led you to begin this spiral, that’s where you need to go back and re-claim the thoughts, feelings and direction you had at that point. Deal with your thoughts first — get into the habit of setting aside times during your day where you focus on the GOOD. Write down a script to read out loud to yourself 3-times each day – all of the good things about you – think back to the times when things were going well, what sorts of thoughts did you have then?
I have seen adjusting your thoughts have a MASSIVE change on people’s lives – your thoughts direct behavior and when we behave more in line with our expectations that leads to better thoughts. Somewhere along the way, fear, frustration, helplessness led to a change in your thought pattern which led to altered behavior which led to additional negative thoughts and here you are today. The GOOD news is that just as this pattern happened negatively in the past, you can direct it positively to get out of the rut you are in now.
It will require discipline and faith to follow the 3-times daily exercise of emphasiszing the positive – you need to have bursts of positive thoughts each day and you will be amazed at how things will turn around for you.
Once you begin the turnaround, then you will get some energy back which will feed your desire to eat better and take back control over your body. What you will need to pay attention to in the coming weeks is not only getting a detox, but also get yourself checked for internal intestinal yeast overgrowth and perhaps any nasty bugs that have taken over your digestive system (parasites). In my own experience having suffered with debilitating heartburn/acid – fixing the candida problem is usually a very big part of getting rid of the indigestion and acid reflux.
Don’t give up – the fact that you wrote this, that you are seeking help, that you made the one attempt at improving recently are all very GOOD signs. Work on your thought process each day to focus on what is GOOD in your life (your qualities, focus on what things COULD be like in an ideal world) – first you have to believe, then you can achieve!
Hi there everyone, I have read through all the posts on this page and I want to say that you are not alone….I feel for you all because I have been in a rut, come out of it but now I am in another rut! Thank you Jeff for your 10 steps and I hope I will be able to use them to pull myself out of this ditch.
It all started I think in the beginning of this year. I was in my final year of my degree and things just started getting out of control. I lost all my motivation, all my drive…I had to force myself to get my assignments done on time (so, a positive that I can pick out is that I did meet all my deadlines) but I didn’t feel any better. I was crying, thinking of death a lot. It was difficult to juggle between persuading myself to not kill myself and to get my work done. I was emotionally drained. Then, I had my graduation and it should have been one of the happiest days of my life after studying for four years and giving it all that I could but I was not happy…I just wanted to get out of there as quick as I could. I have only made I think 1 good friend from uni (four years and 1 friends….go figure). I know a lot of people and I drop them an email from time to time, just keeping in touch. I met a lot of people during my placement year and I keep in touch with them. But here, in person I only have my uni friend to go out with (and she’s probably going to move back to her home country after finishing her studies and I have my 2 best friends from school). But I feel lonely still, because I find that I can’t talk to them about all this. I just tell them everytime that yeah, I great…
I wanted to be a reporter and I chose my degree accordingly and did lots of work experiences to make a great cv but now, I just don’t have the passion for it anymore. I had been moving away from it for a couple of years. After my latest work experience I just know that it’s not me. I graduated this summer and I think just what’s the point?
I know people from my uni have got jobs already and some are doing a post-grad course. I don’t have a job…..I’ve been looking for one.
So, because I didn’t want to be a reporter anymore, I decided to pursue accounting. But, I have to sit the psychometric tests which are verbal and numerical reasoning tests and I failed one already. So now I am going over my maths because I haven’t done any for 6 years and trying to get it to a good enough level to pass those tests because I know that I can get through the interviews and all that.
I am in a rut because I always feel this pressure on me. Pressure of not having a job and staying with my family without contributing anything. I do the housework sure, but that’s all I can do. I want to get just any job to get some money so I can contribute something to my family and learn how to drive a car too. But, I just don’t know how to get a job, I look at at the job profiles but they all say they want experience of that field, I mean, even jobs as a cleaner….you have to have been a cleaner before! I don’t understand. The jobs that I have applied to I haven’t heard anything back. Sometimes, I just don’t want to apply because I think what’s the point. Then there is the pressure of everyone asking me, have you got a job? what are you doing? blah blah blah and the pressure of seeing other people who I graduated with in jobs and I have nothing. I sometimes feel like a neanderthal compared to their fast advancing species.
I know that I have taken positive steps to counter my rut, by deciding on a goal (accountancy) and by taking steps to get there (refreshing my maths by doing sums) but I just don’t feel right. I feel at peace, I am spiritual and I help that gets me through the day but I just don’t feel myself. It’s like I have changed so much in the past few months, even I surprise myself with my reactions to things….I know I have low self-esteem because I don’t like getting out of the house and when I do like once in a month then, I just want to get back in the house quickly.
There is another goal that I have….getting fitter but, I am running low on motivation, so I haven’t progressed with that anywhere.
I don’t know….sometimes, even when I am happy, I feel empty inside.
Paris – thanks for sharing your very well thought out comments.
Once suggestion, you mention a great deal about trying to “fit into” a certain category (journalist, accountant, working person who contributes to society, etc…) – these all are attempts to “find a place”. We all certainly need to do that, but often that comes from within.
Try spending some time listing your strengths, what are you good at? What is it that other people value about you? What help or service can you provide to people? Are you good at listening and matching problems with solutions? Are you good at expressing yourself through writing? Is your strength dealing with people (customer service for example?) Are you good with numbers – and do you enjoy working with them?
What you want to do is have a concrete list of strengths and interests (often these go hand-in-hand) that help you 1) Be more confident in what you are and the value you can share with the world and 2) Guide your choice of job or business – not only will this help you choose a career path (and yes, it may start with very basic jobs but as long as you have a plan for where you eventually want to end up, often these early stepping stones are much more bearable), but it will help you share clearly your value to your marketplace be that a company manager interviewing you, on your resume or as a business owner to your market.
By the way – changing your mind from Journalism after you are far along with your education is perhaps the NORM, not unusual at all. Many of the happiest and most successful people I know work in fields that are completely different than what they were originally trained to do.
Stick with what your gut tells you, get to know what you have confidence in doing and then set sail in a direction that leverages those strengths and passions…that way you CANNOT fail.
There is something we’re all missing that other people get without realising.
Don’t listen to these motivational tips like their rules to live your life by. It’s only mental comforting to ease the suffering it will NOT save you. By making excuses and reasons to why you hate your life, you are just running away.
You’ve reached a pinnacle and now there’s a massive wall that is impossible to go through, above or around and there’s NO ONE in this universe that will help you but yourself. It is literally breaking minds.
Don’t run, fight. Think of how to surpass this wall… for me, it seems impossible but I have my own clearer view to the situation.
There is no path or method, only realisation. Realise that you don’t understand this wall infront of you and you will NEVER get passed it until you REALISE what’s wrong, what’s missing, what don’t we know that other people subconsciously do?!
Hello everyone, I have been Reading all of these posts and I come to find myself identifying with other peoples situations.life is hard,but I do belive that sometimes we are the ones that make life harder on ourselves.I was stuck in a rut because I gained weight,I was anti-social,and I was depressed.everything is just a chain reaction.we need to comprehend why we are in the situation that we are in.I did. I knew that I was depressed,so for me food made me feel good,temporarily I guess,food to me was something to look forward to.which actually makes a lot of sense.when you eat it releases endorphins that make you feel good.so I naturally got carried away.So I looked at my life hard,I did a lit of soul searching, and took the first steps to getting my life in order.I started working out and made smarter choices about what I ate.I looked at everything logically because I was tired but at the same time determined to become th man I know I am.I knew I didn’t gain the weight overnight so I didn’t expect to lose it overnight.it’s just common sense.so now I am back in shape and I’m not depressed because for me I guess it was all relevent.your depressed because your overweight.to eat smarter and excercise and the solution for me.anyways that was last year and now with the economy I am struggling financially and it is getting harder to make ended meet.I dropped out of college to look for another job so I can afford my rent but plan on going back to school.what I’m trying to say is basically I was in a rut, I got out of it, and now I find myself in another one and that’s okay.life is never going to be just perfect.obstacles are always going to challenge you in life.do not give in to the first obstacle thrown in your direction.do not!!!!have faith in yourself.if you don’t love and In some way respect yourself then ho will?you can’t control everything but at least we can control ourselves and our attitudes.what more can we ask for??I just hope people can become more optimistic and and stronger mentally.just come up with a plan and if it doesn’t work then that’s okay, just come up with another.that’s how it works.it’s all about trail and error.I don’t know I just hope people find happiness and succeed in life.god bless.
Jake, thanks for your inspirational and practical post on getting unstuck. You make an excellent point that is highlighted in Attracting Greatness
http://www.attractgreatness.com
– on looking at your situation in life more objectively having the confidence that you will be able to progress – that you have the inner strength to progress no matter what things look like right now. For me, nearly 12 years ago the saving grace was meditation – it allowed me to avoid the extreme high’s and extreme low’s so that I could take life as it came enjoying 90% of it instead of 10%. Looks like you are on the same path and that is terrific – thanks again for the post.
Thank you for touching on a topic that is so close to home. Mine started over 3 years ago. Prior to losing my job, I came to a point that I realized I wanted a new exciting life. Then I was fired. Since I have gone through jobs relationships and friends like crazy. Longing for change, and exhausting myself in “self help” books. I am as close to dead with out the casket. This rut thing robs you of everything. I dream of living and live just to get through each day. Isolation happend and without realizing it I lost interest in other people and friends and relationships. It is controdictory but I found that life had become very lonely when you cant talk to other people about where you are (the rut).
Sometimes it feels like my body is incased in cement and my mind has left my body behind. I pray, I meditate, I sleep on it, and wait. It is easy to read HOW to get out of this but sometimes it is easy to get lost in the process even more. I pray everyone on here finds there way and ends up happier in the end.
@Annie:
Hi Annie
Valid comments all,but they wont help you change any of the situations you are talking about.YOU are the only person that can make the others notice you,noone else.Try this simple step to change everything.When you wake up tomorrow say to yourself that if noone else thinks you are special thats thier problem.I am special and I am unique.After all the chances of you being alive are around 300 Million to 1
I can’t shake this rut. I’m stuck. I have so much to be thankful for in my life, but I feel like I can’t move forward or even see forward. I’ve gained weight, I have zero motivation, no sex drive, and I just wait for the days to pass. I appreciate these messages. Thank you.
I just need to get it out:
I graduated from college three years ago and immediately got a job in a city I didn’t know/like, doing something I didn’t care about. I was living alone and hating my existence. I let this go on for two years before I finally took a leap and moved to Chicago which I had wanted to do for awhile. I thought this would make everything better. I am now single, going back to school and working part-time but I can still barely pay my bills. I live with two friends who are in the food industry, so they are asleep when I’m awake in the morning and they are at work when I return home from my job or classes. I have a hard time meeting new people, especially single guys. I feel completely lost sometimes. Everyday I second guess my life decisions up to this point. Should I have gone to a different college? Should I have majored in a field that has better job prospects? Should I have stayed at my last job that had health benefits and steady income even though I hated it? Do you follow your heart or your brain? How do you know if you are on the right path? How do you get a good job when you have a degree, but very little real world experience? How do you impress a future employer when you don’t even impress yourself?
I get this advice about being more self confident, but it’s not just something you start doing. You either have it or you don’t and I don’t. I really need someone to talk to but I don’t have the money to pay for a professional. I’m an atheist, so I can’t go to a church and my family is full of overly motivated and talented people who don’t understand why I can’t “get off my ass and find a good job already.” Even my uneducated brother has a great job and tons of girls that want to date him.
I try to find peace in music and poetry but nothing seems to help. What am I missing?
Julia,
I read your story…well first things is to kick that man’s ass to the curb..no pill will fix that problem..you need to find a way to contact a womens shelther..you are in the cycle of violence..stop the cycle..but you need to do it with a plan in place..if you don’t start planning now, a year from now you will still be where you are…find a church…get real about your situation and do something about it..your grandchildren deserve the better part of you…I am sorry you are in this siutation..don’t keep beating yourself up over past decisions…start making new decisions but do them safely..if he has a violent history, you could put yourself in danger..that is why you need to start getting information from a womens center that helps you understand domestic violence..get out while you can but make sure you do it with support so you don’t end of going back to him..good luck
@Julia:
Reading these stories have been a huge help. Last 6months i have been feeling the same, but really i shouldnt be, im a lucky girl really, i have a job, family, friends a loving boyfriend, and goto uni. But still i dont feel happy, the choices i have made in life like going to uni doesnt seem to suit me and i just dont know how to turn it around without disspointing the people around me. Some days i feel myself sleeping the whole day and not getting out of bed because staying in bed just seems better then dealing with the world around me 🙁
I seem to drink constantly and when i do this it makes me feel somewhat a little better at the time then i wake up and all my problems are still there. I feel this rutt is effecting my partner and I at times as somedays I rather just be left alone. Im scared of dissapointing but same time I am not happy getting up each day going to Uni for something I dont want to do, but most people in my life would look down on me if i quit!
I find that i daydream constanly of a better life and drift away from reality just dont know how to pull myself back into a happy state instead of this rocky unhappy pretend self i have been!!
@Julia: I feel your pain,just in a little different way.But I will suggest you get away from the Klonipin.My doctor put me on them,and I got to the point I couldn’t stand anything! I found a med web(not sure what it was without searching)but klonipin had a wide variance of interactions.(between 50-and 60 comments)some good but most bad,compared to 6-8 comments on Valium or anything else listed!I have found that reading The Secret,Think And Grow Rich,and the Bible is helping more than anything,since it teaches you self empowerment and autosuggestion. You start to vision things getting better and it does.Best of luck!!
Yes Im stuck in a rut now — or more halfway.
I know how to get out – but its taking so long ! Some days are better and I can manage to do work , but other days like today – i browse internet looking for ways out – i guess I just need a holiday – have not had one for years…
I am just stuck!
I feel like I’ve been stuck for my whole life, with few & far between times when I have managed to get myself together & the effort it takes is too much for me to bare. I hate myself & distrust the world around me. My wife left last year after meeting another bloke. The thing is that I felt like I did everything for her & was waiting for her to show me the same devotion but she just kept on taking advantage. I haven’t any friends to speak of, I see a cousellor once a week who says that she feels stuck when discussing my problems. I just hate myself but have no nerve to do anything about it.
Hi all,
This has been a real eye opener for me to read all these comments. I have been feeling like I am in a rut over the last couple of months and it is nice to know that other people feel the same way.
The thing is I have nothing to be in a rut about. From the outside I have the most wonderful life. I have a great high paying job, a huge circle of friends, a very very supportive family and I am getting married in 7 weeks to my partner that I have been with for 7 years. This is what I don’t understand? I have always been a super positive person and lately I have found myself thinking how much I just really can’t be bothered anymore. I am drinking almost every second day (normally only drink max once a fortnight), I am getting upset over the smallest things and just over life in general. I feel like it is really hard to talk to anyone even my partner because really I have such great life and nobody seems to understand. Just last week my brother and his partner said that I should look at a career in motivating others and helping others find there path in life – just proof that I really don’t allow anyone in. I often think about death and being anyone other than me. I understand all the things that I should be doing to make myself feel better but I just have no energy. I’m trying to keep up at the gym but I just really don’t have the energy. I was doing bickram yoga and loving it and now I make every excuse not to go. I just want to see if anyone has any advice on how to get out of this rut
I have been living the same day over and over for the last 10 years,it all started when my spouse got sick 10 years ago.and her health isn’t getting better,I’m stuck in the house 24/7.We miss family events so much,that we simply aren’t asked to come anymore.I love her and would never abandon her,but I find I’m becoming irratible and snapping at her.I know it’s not her fault being ill,I just hate the way my life is,No friends,No family,No going outside(other than to run errands) Doctor appointments or filling prescriptions.The worse part is the connection between us is falling apart,and we rarely make love as it’s to painful for her.I feel like I painted myself into a corner,and the house is burning down around me.Maybe I should just watch it burn.Groundhog Day isn’t a comedy,it’s a bloody Horror Movie!!!
I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I went to college for 3 to 4 years and we have to have two work terms. The first work term I completed but for the past 2 years it seems like I cant get the other work term. On top of that I came back to my hometown to help out my dad because he was having issues with his marriage and she needed meds so baby was with dad. My dad is extremely emotional. She is back now, taking her meds but on top of that we have another premie. He was 1 pound now 8 1/2 pounds. There was a false rumor that someone reported them to social services and even though we are in their good books we have to put up with them till may next year. They come every day so basically we are just making ends meet because they always interupt the day. Its hard for me because I dont have a license I think I have went about 8 times and i am always so close to getting it but dont and it feels like my whole life is babysitting. I love my dad and I am glad to help but I sometimes feel like what am I doing with my life? I am almost 23 and it just feels like I have so much to do. My mom says you should move down where she is cuz their is much more job opportunities there but I dont want to rely on that place and her all my life. I just wish everything would work out
@Aims:
I was reading and yours hit home, I have felt the same way and I don’t know what to do.
Your life sounds like mine…..perfect from the outside looking in. Like you, I have no one to talk to about this because they all think ” you have it all , whats the problem?”
Are you still felling like this? what did ya do, if anything.
Thanks for your time
J
@Annie I have to agree their are certain areas in this world where people are just generally rude even If you’re the nicest person. I’ve donated so much got nothing in return (not like I wanted it back anyway) and been turned down by so many job recruiters. I’m not turned down because of my interviewing skills it’s just because no one where I live ever hires anybody. I know leaving the state I live in would dramatically improve my life as all kinds of signs show me this, but I have no money. My parents sadly are only good for keeping me alive as they’re too poor to help me not that I want their help. Yeah… uh I exercise everyday and have unbelievable willpower for my grim situation, but it seems that isn’t enough.
Hi all,
I am also stuck in a rut and have the same feelings as many people here. About myself, I am 25, work in business as a professional, making good money. I also have saved up alot. My main problem is I am very unmotivated in life to work hard and exceed. I am what you would call a slacker. I still live at home with my parents. I have no purpose or vision right now. I am single and think I need a girlfriend. I am very immature for my age and very irresponsible. Its funny because I have gained lots of weight in the past year. Having put on the weight, I have less confidence in my appearance and it makes me less motivated to go out and have fun with friends. Normally I am a very outgoing person, very personable. Now, I am usually tired and even unmotivated to make plans on the weekend. I find myself searching for a goal, (move downtown)or move somewhere far. But I am always changing my mind. I don’t particularly do well at work because I give no effort. I am confident in my abilities and know for certain I have what it takes to succeed. Its just depressing not knowing where I am “going”. I know I haven’t grown much as an individual in a long time. Please give me some advice. Sorry for the long-winded rant. 🙂
A couple of suggestions Daniel:
1. When we are stuck we have created a situation where the current state (living at home, a slacker, no goals, etc…) is more comfortable/pleasurable for us than any other alternative. What we need to do to reverse this is make the state of being “stuck” more uncomfortable – even painful – and our mind will then sub-consciously begin to work to get us unstuck. So, for each one of the negative states you are in now (unmotivated, no goals, dependent, slacker, etc…) create a picture and paragraph of how this could end very badly if you keep it up. You want to look at the brutal place this could all take you if you do NOT take action. Then, go ahead and paint a picture of what your life may be like if you take your skill, money, ability and pent up energy and use it to take a few giant steps forward…you could have indpendence, amazing opportunities, your true personality attracting lots of friends and great people, etc… You MUST paint a picture of a very positive way your life could be to get out of a rut.
2. Make sure you have looked at your work/job and see if that is what is getting you down. You mention you make good money, but is it what you want to be doing? If not, then plan a transition toward something that you really do want to do.
3. Pick up a copy of http://www.attractgreatness.com and use the roadmap around the 5 Pillars of Greatness to help discover hidden fears, frustrations, limiting beliefs and overcome the challenges that keep us so stuck in our lives.
You can do it!
Jeff
Hey.. I have been in a rut for three years now i.e. Wen my 4 year bf nd I broke up. I dated a couple of guys but none worked out rather they were worse. My so called best frnd back stabbed me. My bf tried taking revenge from me Dnt knw of wat. Nd it all affected my state of mind soo badly dat I wasn’t able to focus on my studies. Den even Wen I took control of my studies, den it also is not turning out well. I’m doing CA nd it will b my fifth attempt of finals in Nov. It kills me inside to know dat being such a brilliant student I’m not able to crack it after working so hard. My life is just not moving forward. now I’m full of negativities, I Dnt feel like doing nething fun. Infact nothing seems to b fun to me . I wanna have a grt life nd I knw just by clearing my exams I will b out of dis rut but fr dat I gotta get all dis negative energy outta me.
After reading all d posts I felt like sharing myself so did it. I knw wat I have to do but Dnt knw how.
Hey reading through a few of these posts i now feel i open up about myself, basically i work full time, i get on with most people at my work yet i lie and make up stories about my weekends and life to make my life seem more interesting that what it actually is, in reality i finish work come home watch t/v maybe play my console and then go to sleep. Like i said i work and i get on with my work mates pretty well but will never do anything outside work with any of them or even other friends,to be honest i can tell that when people are reading this they have probably summed me up by loser, freak of nature etc and i wouldnt blame them as thats how i see myself. Its only been in my mid teens that i have been like this, i just have no self esteem and when i go to clubs or any social gathering which is once in a blue moon i just seem to get intimidated by everyone be it a boy or a girl. Now obviously i have read a few posts on here and have also read the 10 tips on how to resolve the issue but nothing seems to help, now i apologize if i have annoyed anyone with this post as there is people in worst situations than me, but still if anyone actually sees where im coming from what did you do to feel more comfortable in social gathering outside work etc?
@Jamie, Not wanting to go out to clubs and having a hard time meeting great people hardly qualifies you as a loser. If you were to take one of those meyer-briggs style tests, I would guess you would find out that you are just more of an introverted person. There is simply nothing wrong with that, many people fall into the same category where they are not excited to go spend an evening with countless amounts of people. (I am also one of them.)
It seems to me as though, even though you enjoy your alone time, that you are also missing that human connection which is causing your confidence to become a little shaky. There are many ways for you to find a friend or two outside of going to clubs and doing the party thing. I would recommend seeing what is available in your community as far as groups with your interests (is there a gaming group where you live?) You can find small groups of people with similar intersts on websites like meetup.com. Also you might be able to meet new people in everyday places like your neighborhood, at the grocery store, etc. You just need to approach it with the understand that everyone out there is wanting the same thing you want, that human connection, and they also don’t know how to go about getting it. Try sparking up an easy conversation with a neighbor or even someone in line at the grocery store. You’d be surprised at how many people will welcome the chance to talk to you. (And if they don’t, they are a jerk and are not someone you want to be friends with anyway.)
Start a conversation by saying something like “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice you had that new DVD in your cart. Have you seen that movie, is it any good?” Just keep your eyes open for people who look nice and friendly, and don’t be afraid to talk to them.
I can tell from your comment that you are not a loser, just someone who hasn’t met good friends yet. Sitting at home alone can make you start to go crazy sometimes. 😉 It has happened to us all at one point or another.
I don’t know what possess me to look up “stuck in a rut” on the web on a Sunday morning but here I am, reading stories sounding so similar to my own. I am only 20 years old but have battled with depression on and off for about 6 years and this time I have hit an all-time low. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything: I used to be this loving,creative, academically-sound person but I have become resentful, lazy and dejected. I have a year left of completing my degree (that my parents have worked extremely hard to pay for) and my marks are sliding and I’m struggling to turn out even a mediocre piece of work. This pales in comparision to my high school days when I was one of the top students. In addition to this, I broke up with my loving, caring boyfriend recently in order to give myself a feeling of freedom and an opportunity to explore other relationships. However, I feel so unattractive and strange, kind of like a leper that no-one wants to be around. I can quite honestly say that I hate the person I have become and I am not enjoying my life. My family life is really depressing too: both my parents have had near death experiences and are bitter and pessamistic as a result. My brother is abusive and doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I feel like I am the backbone of the family but I am wearing thin and do not have the coping mechanisms for this. I can’t afford to move out of home and my environment is just adding further to my depression or ‘rut’. Please give me some advice…I really don’t know what to do to lift myself out of this and I really do want to! I’m so young still and I don’t think that anyone- especially young adults- should be as demotivated and bored with life as I am.
I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut since I was born. From the age of 1 to 6, my dad verbally and physically abused the hell out of me. My mom kicked him out but up to just a few months ago (I’m 19 now) he was always around with his negative attitude, always making me and my family feel like crap and manipulating us. We finally had the courage to get rid of him but at such a cost… I also have the Tourette syndrome so I had it VERY rough at school. I followed so many therapies, attended countless group sessions and you’re right… all they really do is covering up the pain. It always come back. At some point I remember wishing of dying, even though I absolutely love life. It looked like the only solution left. But when I turned 16 I left school with a bang (biggest freakout ever, lol) and picked up a summer job. In a mere 3 months, I managed to climb back the mountain all by myself by thinking, thinking and thinking. I had reached the peak of self-confidence : everything was in reach, I was constantly full of energy, nobody would mess with me… I felt alive for the first time in my life. But then when summer ended my mom thought it would be a good idea to move out of the city…so I just spent the last 3 years doing absolutely nothing. There was no job in that town (we just moved back to the city), everyone did drugs (I don’t take anything, not even smoke or drink) so suffice to say I was pretty much left for myself. You wouldn’t believe how I feel about this. Feeling alive for the first time in my life for a mere 3 months then going back to absolute boredom…
I somehow managed to move back in the city though and now I’m trying to achieve that peak again but it’s just not working alone at home with nothing else to do than gaming (an old stamina-devouring habit I definitively need to get rid of… getting there !!). I hope laying words and theories on all this stuff with the book will be enough, otherwise guess I’ll have to seek out a job before taking on school again… meeting with a lot of people daily seems to do wonders even without all the theory backing it up. There are things we humans need that can’t be replaced, ignoring these is really just making it harder on ourselves for nothing.
Guess I’m being a bit lazy about this by buying the book instead of seeking out a job… ah well, blame the stupid fear. At least I’ll get somewhere.
Ugh my rut :'(
I just found this page, appreciating the input from Jeff and all the others who commented. Personally I am in a rut, that’s why I looked up this page. Why am I in this rut? Because things didn’t work out at college, because I don’t see myself doing what I’m studying; because there is so much pressure on me to get a grlfriend and get married, to impress a lady; I am so strongly introverted that I can’t even uphold a friendship with a fellow guy, I don’t have a will too; so how am I supposed to get married and live with someone? I don’t see that happening. I just realise that it’s a mental thing, this “rut” is there because of my perspective, because of your perspective (to all who find themselves in a rut) Change your mindset; see things differently and enjoy life with all it’s blessings and curses; it’s a journey. Life is a novel you write in realtime co-authored by God; you choose what you’re going to write.
I understand alot of the comments, the way I cope with it is exercise, cant stress enough how much that helps! Gets rid of all the negative feelings and has given me more self confidence.
I’ve assuredly fallen into a deep rut. During high school I had ambitions and dreams and a direction my life was going to go. Then out of school everything halted. All of my friends moved on to college away from me, the job market tanked leaving me stranded at my parent’s with no income, and due to a phobia of driving I don’t get out hardly at all. My last 6 months or so has consisted of moping around my room trying to keep myself busy, but its beginning to sink in that I’m growing into a hermit and it’s a bit depressing.
With only one good friend to talk to (alas, she is out of state) and only myself to keep me company all day, I’m starting to be antisocial and regretfully watch my dreams drive away with everything else. An 18 year old man shouldn’t be confined to this deep rut like this, but it feels hopeless now.
I even tried to move in with my girlfriend recently, but total fear struck me and I panicked, retreating back to my room at my parent’s. I didn’t ruin the relationship, but I put a wedge in it that I’m still trying to pry out. A cousin came over just yesterday and asked if I’d like to hang out with some of his friends later in the week and play cards, but the same omen burns in me still and I don’t want to go…all I want to do is stay in my cave.
I still have goals and dreams I want to strive for, but I don’t have the energy or the drive I used to. Am I stuck in a really deep rut, or is something really wrong with my head?
I think we get into a rut so to speak because of some of our own poor choices as in my case. I’ve allowed my husband to get me into so much debt I cant afford to get out or leave. So I’m stuck trying get out of a hole he got me into and isn’t helping to make any better only worse. However I keep going. 🙂
@John..I see you don’t like driving. Since you say you don’t like it you obviously have driven at some point Your still young and have plenty of time to practice when the opportunities arise. Go places that aren’t highly populated and try to relax. Go with someone you feel safe with…parent girlfriend. It ‘s fun to drive and it gives you the freedom to enjoy many places and activities. Are you planning on going to college..or taking any trade school courses….maybe getting a job? That will keep your mind occupied and you’ll meet new people. I’m sure you have many great qualities and you may find someone who needs help with something. Helping others is a fabulous way of helping yourself. 🙂
I also see you don’t like going out. If you can’t bring your self to go out into public ask your self why? What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Too many people, the noises, the traffic? What? If you can answer those questions your on the road to helping yourself. 🙂
You live with your parents..do they know how you feel? If they don’t and you can talk to them do so or someone your close to. If this overwhelming feeling of panic continues you may want to ask a counselor or your doctor if they can help. You have your entire life ahead of you and I’m sure there are great things out there just waiting for you. Good luck. 😉
I am stuck into a rut and don’t know what to do.
I am 30 and living with my mom. I lived abroad in Edinburgh for some time but wasn’t happy and left my job.
Back at home for 3 months and I can’t find a job, but I also know deep down that I don’t want to live here. I just don’t know where to go. I sometimes dream of going back to Australia where I lived for 2 years, but I am very scared of doing it. What if is just an utopia? what if i won’t be happy even there? what will I do? A person should be able to make herself happy everywhere. I just don’t see any opportunities for me to live fully in this town..help..
Wonderful shared stuck in a rut insight. Thanks
What do you do if you’re a teenager who doesn’t really know what he wants to do in his life? I’m turning 19 this year, but I sort of missed the deadline of applying for post-secondary schools in the midst of my indecisiveness. I heard that I could still apply, but I’m not really sure and the deadline is probably really soon. I feel like i’m stuck in this never ending cycle of not knowing what to do and I’m worried about my future. Recently, I wake up every morning not knowing what my purpose in life is anymore, and everything has just become depressing and meaningless to me. Everyone around me seems like they know what they’re doing, while I’m just lost. Not to mention I have this constant pressure to please people because I do not like falling behind. I just don’t know, if I apply, I feel like I might go into something I might not even like and waste time, money, and energy, not to mention be trapped in a program because I cannot switch out or some various other factors. However if I don’t enter, I feel like I’ll never make up my mind. Even course selection has become hard as each program requires certain pre-requisites to enter and I’ve lost my sense of direction not knowing which one is a priority. I’ve always taken something like science or business; something relatively stable, but my passion is in the arts.
I guess the indecisiveness comes from this passion I have for performing, but not knowing if i’ll make it because the industry is really selective and you have to be really talented to make it big.
However, in the back of my mind comes the quote
“Would you rather live a stagnant stable lifestyle, or take a huge risk that might/might not potentially give you the ultimate happiness?”
I’ve tried asking multiple friends, guidance councillors, teachers, and family and they’ve all tried to help me, but in the end I still feel like I’m in the same place, not being able to move forward. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Confused Student – thanks for your comment, let me share a few things that may help:
1. There are lots of 19-year olds that don’t know where they are headed in life, nothing wrong with that at all, you are NOT the only one…in fact I would say that 75%+ are likely in your boat. That said, you want the journey to be enjoyable, not frustrating so you do want to pick a direction soon knowing that this may not be the ultimate direction, but just an interim step that leads to something much bigger and better
2. If your passion is more in the arts, in a creative direction then do NOT ignore that passion. At the same time, nothing says you need to immerse yourself 100% into this passion right away. I’m a big fan of being a well rounded individual, for those that aren’t interested in the arts, they should build some of that into your journey, others who are interested need to balance that with sound learning on finance (so you can live enough to practice your art), sciences (so you can understand the basics of sound methodology, experimentation, etc…). Just because you sign up for a first year of mainly core education doesn’t mean that you can’t branch out into the arts and over the next few years lean more heavily in that direction.
3. Lay out your ideal life situation 5-years and 10-years from now. What would you be doing if you had any wish granted? No limits, just paint a picture of what you would be doing, where you would be doing it and with who. From there, you want to work backward and set objectives each year on stepping stones to reach that point. Some of achieving that will be conscious, some will come about unconsciously just from making it happen in your mind. But you MUST start off somewhere – with a plan. That plan can change, but without a plan you can be SURE you won’t get where you eventually want to be. It’s much better batlling that now than 5-years or 10-years out finding yourself in an even worse situation because you were afraid to dream and think big.
That should getyou started…do take action!
Jeff
@Confused Student:
I would like more clarification on this point. My rut stems from lack of confidence, anxiety and a place of paralyzing fear. I feel down all the time regarding my job. I am educated and used to feel fairly confident in my 20’s…but I probably just didn’t know any better. Now in my 40’s, I struggle with work every day. I am not sure how to change course to overcome this feeling. I have a good job that pays well. I love my husband and daughter and my only confidence in life is being a good wife and mom. I feel that my work is suffering, greatly. My mom used to say I have the imposter syndrome. I feel that people like me and think I am good at what I do…but if they really knew me they would see differently. A fraud waiting to be exposed. I have struggled with this issue throughout my entire adult career life…all while putting up a good front. If I keep on my present course, I fear I will be fired for low performance. I want to succeed but am at a total loss as to how to dig out of this hole I have created. I am not a lazy person but would just as soon bury my head under the pillow than get to work. This makes me feel ashamed. @Jeff:
Hi Shannon, you certainly have nothing to be ashamed about, you are wrestling with the very real feelings that so many of us do at one point or another in our lives. It seems in your case that your job is the major issue (first thing though is to be totally honest and make sure that really is everything). If that’s the case, by the time we have spent years at our job it is natural to want to move on to something else, that’s nothing to feel ashamed about.
What I would do is start down a proactive process of looking at what you really want out of a job (what would you be happier at, more fulfilled, where you would be more motivated to go to work). This will take some time, but is liberating in itself (to stop beating yourself up and opening the door to change in your life). Everyone’s circumstances are different, but you want to come up with a plan on how you can work closer toward your career change (doesn’t have to happen overnight if you can’t make that kind of decision in your life – but again knowing you have a plan can make a huge difference and put some energy back in your step)
It sounds to me like you are feel trapped into the job you have because it pays well and perhaps the expecations of those around you are that you will remain there. But if you truly aren’t energized by that job, it will eat away at you until it impacts your energy, health and those around you.
So start planning to make a change now…first step is to brainstorm “the perfect” job. I’ve done this with people before and once you have that picture in front of you, new opportunties emerge that may not instantly be that perfect opportunity, but that can get you closer to the ultimate goal and start moving in the riht direction.
Jeff
Thanks, Jeff. I know the comment wasn’t directed towards me but I’ve benefitted just the same. I am blessed.
Since I moved to Richmond (Rutville) I have yet to find my stride. I want to move yet again, which is how I cope with the Rut. This city is the pits and to blame for most people here being in a rut.
Excellent point, Zen!
The “wall” is present in everyone’s life. The question is, how to survive it. @Zen:
I didn’t go to college until I was 24. By not going, I had limited opportunities for obtaining a relatively decent paying job. I could relate to the scarecrow in “The Wizard Of Oz,” because I was so convinced I needed that paper (the degree) to get somewhere over the rainbow. Eventually, I became a headhunter for people who needed job placement in computer technology. It taught me something, that a degree had value. However, the value was in learning a trade. This meant being certified as anything, from an electrician to being a teacher, meant I had to attend and receive the next level of education. It could have meant going to a Vo-tech or a college, but I realized the next hurdle meant strengthing my personal marketability. I did it. It lifted me out of the rut of an indecisive 24 year old. I went on (at 40) to obtain a Masters diploma. Again I want to reiterate that schooling doesn’t guarantee a high paying job, but it does help with moving your life along. I’m almost 50. At times I still find myself in a rut, and my own personal advice is to make yourself an opportunity to look forward to. It could be anything from volunteering to planning a trip. Do something for yourself that makes you happy. If you look at life in small increments it’s easier to jump the hurdles and dodge the dark clouds. Always remember “Stuff Happens,” but preparedness and opportunity can change things for the better. Always. You’re not alone.@Shannon:
@Shannon: First, this is a great article. This is the first time I’ve ever gone online hunting for self-help. Thankfully, I ran into your post, Shannon. It’s as if I were reading my own story. I too have a very good job, but I dread going to work every day. It’s as if I have to force myself to get to work.
Work and relationship are, or were, everything to me. I gave 110% of myself to my career and my relationship. I became my firm’s most successful employee and became the first in my firm to reach a high managerial and equity position. It’s as if everything I was doing in life was calculated to meet my work goals. Once I reached those goals, it’s as if I hit a brick wall.
Although fear has always been an issue for me, it was a motivating issue. Fear kept me focus and on track. Now, fear is terrible, and I wonder whether or not I really deserve the position that I am in. I wonder whether, all of a sudden, I’ll be thought of as a fraud. I question whether this job is really for me, although I am very good at it.
I am in a terrible rut, and I cannot get out of it. I have no friends, and I often thought of my clients as my friends, even though they are not.
I exercise every day to stay in shape and look good. However, I find it more and more difficult to keep it up, although I must. I have a feeling that if I do not, I will never go back.
I hope you get out of your rut, and I ho
@Shannon: First, this is a great article. This is the first time I’ve ever gone online hunting for self-help. Thankfully, I ran into your post, Shannon. It’s as if I were reading my own story. I too have a very good job, but I dread going to work every day. It’s as if I have to force myself to get to work.
Work and relationship are, or were, everything to me. I gave 110% of myself to my career and my relationship. I became my firm’s most successful employee and became the first in my firm to reach a high managerial and equity position. It’s as if everything I was doing in life was calculated to meet my work goals. Once I reached those goals, it’s as if I hit a brick wall.
Although fear has always been an issue for me, it was a motivating issue. Fear kept me focus and on track. Now, fear is terrible, and I wonder whether or not I really deserve the position that I am in. I wonder whether, all of a sudden, I’ll be thought of as a fraud. I question whether this job is really for me, although I am very good at it.
I am in a terrible rut, and I cannot get out of it. I have no friends, and I often thought of my clients as my friends, even though they are not.
I exercise every day to stay in shape and look good. However, I find it more and more difficult to keep it up, although I must. I have a feeling that if I do not, I will never go back.
I hope you get out of your rut, and I hope life improves for you. I hope the same for myself. Share any progress you experience, and I will do the same. I want my life back. Please share any specific action steps that you take that help, and I will do the same.
Pete – very well put. I think many people can relate to being at this place in life where you were driven by one set of ambitions, achieved a certain level and now feel rather imprisoned by that level of success. This is not uncommon. What you want to do is to once again take stock of what is important to you. What would you now like to do if you had the choice. Start off again with an inventory of the “perfect” work envisioned from this point in your life. Only when you have an idea toward which you aspire can you begin to make progress in that direction. Just becaues you have reached a high level in one career it does not mean you have to stay there…may as well begin the next journey now and that will get you excited again.
Jeff
I’ve had too much heartbreak in my life time. 20 people have died in my life (most of which I was really close to). I was molested in first grade. I’ve been helping my mom raise my niece & nephews since I was 15 (I’m 27 now, still helping, and living with my mom). I was athletic and did great in school. In highschool I was focused on college and knew exactly what I wanted to do. Then, right after I graduated (age 19) I was raped. I held up well during my first semester of college, but by the second I didn’t want to get out of bed. I changed degrees & lost motivation. I’ve been working retail for the last 6 years and don’t make much money per hour still. For a while my life was better; I put myself out there. I met new people, promoted bands I believed in, and I feel like I did just about anything a friend would do for people they are close to. Some of the bands quit & people I thought were my friends stopped hanging out or talking to me (I think they just used me to meet/hang out with the musicians). I have a degree I feel like is useless and has caused me nothing but major debt (I hate debt with a passion). I have no friends. I have no boyfriend and the only men that act interested are old MARRIED men (no exaggeration). I only go out with my family. I hate my job and feel like calling in every day. I’ve gained too much weight the last couple years. I’m depressed about almost every aspect of my life. I feel stuck and like there is no getting out.
Sarah, thanks for sharing this and think you will find there are many stories that follow a very similar pattern to yours. You have been remarkably resiliant in your life, that shows the strength of character and that you truly do want to break out of your rut and improve your life. What you may want to look at is to take a look back at those tough times when you were at your low (when you were molested and raped and look at what you gave up to cope with those points in your life? The answer to why we get caught in a cycle of bad things is often linked to how we deal with the first negative thing…that may give you some clues as to how you break out. What you really want to return to is the innocence, enthusiasm, and personality you had before these major events in your life…understand what you may have given up when coping with the negative times and then revers those trends. Know that it can be done… that you are not alone and that your answer lies within you…
Jeff
I to feel totally stuck in a rut ,i feel compleatly dawn in the dumps and have done for 2 years ,my lifes like a vitious circle instead of moving forwards i just keep sliding backward sorry to sound like iam feeling sorry for myself but i just think [when will i get a break]? I have 4 beutiful children all really younge iam 27 years old i dont work i have a crap social life live in the middle of no where dont drive carnt aford to drive ,i get no help from noone and all i ever seem to do is clean up and keep my kids and hubby happy i chose this life i love my kids my hubby works so hard and we never have any money ever weve been together 11 years and have still never been abroad .iv never been jelous of anyone but recently iv found myself getting so anoyed with people ,that get hand outs left right and center of there parents, my kids dont even no who my parents are ,my freinds are all getting married something weve never been able to do cause we are always skint ,iam constantly feeling like a failure coz i want my kids to have the best of eveything and they carnt iam struggling to even pay 100 qwid for a school trip ,your probablys reading this and thinking why have 4 kids if you carnt afford them ?,the answer to that is i had 2 sets of twins when my first set where 4 i fell again and had a nother set ,and at the time i worked i lived in a busy little town and everything was going great ,naw its just a mess my hubby is fed up self employed ,and goes for days not speaking to me because hes stressed ,i need my life to take another route but dont no where to start any advice [please be nice]??
Hello Katie
Keep breathing. Step outside and seek a moment of silence. Set all your problems up on a shelf for a moment. Breath. Deep. Take a walk and look at the life around you. Think good thoughts. Be a good momma. Improve yourself while you prepare your children for the world.
Cheer up. Chin up. Suck it up. That’s what I’m am going to do! Thanks to each of you who posted. I feel better.
Great advice Britton – the first thing we can all do (no matter how bad the situation) is take back control by using techniques like deep breathing, introspection, meditation or other “alone” time to just calm our mind and let it work through things for us.
I know when things seem most out of control in my life, this is what I do…double down on the effort to take 20-30 minutes for myself (even if its at 5:30 in the morning before everyone wakes up…just to meditate.
This, over a couple of weeks, helps me to put things into perspective.
Exercise too helps your body have more energy, even though it may be painful for the first week or two.
You want to take action on these things where you KNOW you are preparing yourself to live in a better mindset, attract more positive energy and even though you don’t exactly know what the future holds, you must have faith that you control the general direction of that future to be more positive than it has been for you so far. It takes equal amounts of faith, persistence, execution and desire – I know you have it in you Katie – you STILL have control even though it doesn’t feel like it for you right now.
Jeff
I thought my rut was only three years-old but am realizing I’ve lived my life in a rut. I live in fear, through anxiety; am lonely and afraid I will end-up alone; sexually confused; financially messy. I hate that I can’t stop smoking, loss weight, or re-grow my hair. I turned 37 yesterday and feel like I turned 57. I’m tired of waiting for some big event to turn things around and wonder if God is enjoying this misery of a life I lead. I’m in therapy and on meds and can’t seem to make a new friend to save my life. A friend that doesn’t want sexual favors that is. I feel like there are too many things going wrong in my life and I’m just tired.
Hi David,
There were so many comments I didn’t want to read through them all. But I read Annie and I read yours. I know how you feel. I’ve been in a rut for the majority of the last 7 years and have been in a severe one again the last 1.5 years.
I had small breaks of relief during those seven years with a course or start of a relationship. It was a change and it felt like the start of my life heading somewhere. I thought the courses would lead to work and the relationship would lead to more circles of friends and happy times.
As soon as the course or job ends so does the friendship. I learnt the long and hard way is that you have to make friends through hobbies that you are really passionate about.
Well I recently started a hobby about a year ago and went about three times week in the evenings. Now I’ve just got into this weird habit of not going. At first it was for energy reasons and feeling run down all the time- others I have no idea what’s blocking my happiness.
I have had agorophobia, been unemplyed and had severe CFS. I’ve gotten out of all those things but never seem to fully get on my feet or stay somewhere long enough to make a proper support team.
I know from my experience that the opposite of me is some that is not isolated, someone that shakes up routine, exercises in the morning and gets out of the house networking and talking with others- getting lots of sunshine and money.
Just look at what I’ve said and do the opposite of that! lol I’m the example of “what not to do”
Easier said than done. I am 51. Moved to Oregon from Chicago to be with my fiance. All my other friends are dead. Gave up a good job to come here. Things went irretrievably bad and now I cant afford to go home and I’m stuck here in this yokel state by myself. No friends, no football, no pizza, no rocknroll, worst is no fiance. Stopped exercising, ditched my diet and went back to smoking and drinking and taking hydrokoton.
I am literaly stuck ina rut, I have no friends, no money, blls up to my neck, and I have a daughter going to be 2 years old this month. I have family but they make no attempt to speak or even care what I have to say, I know because they have told me. I live with my mother who also has her hard times. But somehow manages to always have money and I never get a break. Or hit the big time. I’m in need of a job I am over weight by like 50lbs. I am a very caring and friendly person but why am I still here like this. My daughter deserves better and I feel helpless with nothing to do. I am not lazy I just have no where else to go or nothing to do. I never have a babysitter so really can’t do anything. My finaces are really really bad. I need help and there is no one or nothing that will help me. I am going to try your teqnics and see what happens. Although I can not go anywhere, or get a job. Who take a baby to a interview really and I can not afford a day care so really ya I am stuck in a rut. So I hope things get better after trying what I just read Thanks!
@Annie: i totally agree with you its really hard, i dont even want to go out my room. im 39, my mum passed away on 11th feb 2012, i lost my job 8 days later then 11 days after that i found out my partner was cheating on me with my best mate for 8 months i moved out cos she wanted me too, then she moved him in the same day cos she wanted to play happy families with him and my 4 kids. i moved in my mums house cos i had no where to go and i had it thrown in my face for 4 months. i dont want to socialize, i have no confidence, i feel crappy, i have no money, i would love to meet someone else, im a honest and genuine person not the best looking but loyal but i wouldnt be able to go talk to someone i liked cos fear of rejection and so i stay in and sit on my pc.
Hi,
I was wondering if someone could reply to my previous post??
It’s been sitting there since July 4th.
I tried to sound slightly upbeat so I guess that’s why no one answered because I gave the false impression I was doing Ok.
Was just trying my best to be positive but that never works. I actually do need help.
Just like the comment made by Michael, I just eat, sleep and use my PC. There’s no much I can do.
I’m trapped in my house due to a combination of illness, the attack of agorophobia and unemployment meaning I have no money to even catch the train.
So because of no money to even go out and no social contact for about 2yrs I’m crushingly lonely.
My neighbours don’t even know I exist. I’ve been in the block for 4yrs now and if they see me they point and whisper :”who the hell is that, is she new?”
I have not been well enough to maintain a job or sick enough to “qualify” for disability.
Therefore I’m been in limbo for a good chunk of my adult life. In a weird grey area between the healthy and the sick .
Not really accepted by either group. One thing that stops me besides health and money
(can’t really expect people to pay for me to go out and have fun)
is that question “so what do you do?” <<<a hideous question for me.
If I admit unemployment but not really looking for work (to avoid being bombarded by unsolicited career advice)
they'll ask "why?"
If I try to explain CFS and other conditions I have they think that it's bullshit.
I have good and bad days so I'm not consistently bed ridden.
Now the person that is paying my bills and food (essentially my life support) is getting weary of this.
I'll be back to square one in unemployment trying to force me in and out of jobs I literally cannot keep up.
This is stress for me and the poor employer that gets conned into taking me on and off their hands.
It would be solved by a) I'm miraculously cured
b) they accept I'm basically disabled and cannot work consistently/ often at all
Neither of those is happening so I feel very trapped and speared pride because
my mind is in good condition, I'm not an idiot and I don't like being in the prison of my house isolated from all humanity.
I feel I deserve a better quality of life but have no idea what to do.
Alice, do you live in NYC? If you do, then there is a one good hospital, where I’m sure you can find help. The New York Presbyterian hospital on 525 York Ave (E 68 ST). You need – first of all – fix your physical health. I have no idea what CFS is, but I’m sure that there are people out there that know how to deal with it. Besides, you need a job – not only for money (although, it’s super important), but for your own well-being. Could you handle a cashier’s job in a supermarket? Trader Joe is my favorite food store (they expand and, therefore, hire) and I noticed that people there are quiet friendly towards each other. American Disability Act protects you from being discriminated at work due to your health. I wish I could help you more, and I’m willing to help. Try to find people with problem like yours through meetup.com – it’s a website that offers various social gatherings for people with different interests, social and health status. Check it out, just google it. e-mail me if anything at benice11229@yahoo.com. I sincerely hope that I helped at least a bit. With my best wishes – Lana.
Thanks Lana,
I’m starting to think that it would be best to take this post off–it might just be feeding energy into the problem.
If I did anything I’d need something that I was truly happy in and not a dead end job. After so long I can’t just go back to sqaure one that would be depressing for me.
If I fixed my health I would be so happy to have that I’d want to enjoy and appreciate my life.
I’d need to do something vibrant and creative that stimulates my mind and staves off brain fog.
The simpler the job the more mistakes were made back in the early days before being totally bed ridden.
The more complex and difficult for others the better ironically for me. My brain needs focus or it dies.
@Julia: “Dear Julia, please adopt this Mantra “I am a Person with Rights” Say it in as many ways as you can and as often as you can..You deserve your rights to dignity and respect, in time you wil be convinced of this!
I did that, more than 30 years ago my ex pleft our home, my 4 children and i were rather lost.. WE adopted that phrase.. When the nut came back wanting to try making it work again I said to him “I am a person with rights. Our kids are people with rights.. Begone” And he was gone, out of my life but not the kids.. I still hear one daughter say this phrase when she is in difficulty and it sure works for her too.
@Britton Evans: I so agree Britton Evans.. “God made Water to wash the body Wind to wash the mind” ~~ Sandra
@david:
David since you mention God I feel free to say this.. Repeat this as many times a day as you can..
O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.
This prayer is one of the most powerful prayers I have learned, it has seen me through a very nasty relationship, the divorce, a years long depression, much guilt (I did that last one to myself) ) and back on my feet to self respect, dignity, and feelings of self worth . As I said on another post “God made Water to wash the Body Wind to wash the mind” If your mobility allows take an outing. Let the wind wash through and your mind open to newness. And promise me youll find something to laugh about every day. (yesterday I had several appointments, on my returning home our small dog looked at my husband and howled like a wolf.. She sounded so soulful We had a good laugh over this!
ITS WORTH REPEATING!! One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well that the farmer had accidentally left uncovered. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Oh Did I mention I trained as a Therapeutic Clown and as a Laughter Yoga Therapist? I have many dark days, I say I shine with the sun..It gets dark early and is cold in this Northern part of Canada, I have my ups and downs..
My Dr said to me *You know the triggers, you by now know how to handle them, so do what you have to do.. * (smile) now wasn’t that a wicked thing to say to me? I have like minded friends I paint with I play music with,and laugh with. I avoid gossip at all costs. These are all things I have learned since having come from a home where we lived in extreme poverty and very much verbal abuse, followed by a 14 year marriage of the same abuse. We can over come these things and remind ourselves *The sun will come out Tomorrow..* And it did! Cheers Sandra
Beautiful Jeff. Thanks
@Annie: Take a cooking class? I dont’ know. I’m in a new city and am in a rut right now for sure. Eating crap, feeling gross at least the dog still loves me. I hope:p I just rid of a bf for no apparant reason, have a job that I surely almost practically hate, I have absolutely no money.
Things I enjoy doing and I know will get me out if I let it are: running, walking the dog (yes, even if people don’t stop to talk) baking, making my own coffee instead of going out for it, making pancakes….there are alot of things, but the trick to letting them make you happy is to know that the rut will pass.
I just graduated High School and my girlfriend broke up with me. I have very little money and no job. Most of my friends either moved away or are to busy to hang out. The ones I do hang out with never want to do anything interesting. Just sit in the house and play video games. When I suggest going out they say another time and when that time comes up they won’t return my calls, texts, or messages. The ones I hardly ever see I hardly connect with anymore so it makes seeing them very awkward but they’re the ones going out and having fun… I feel I’m to young to be feeling this way and yet I do. I just want someone to love me for me and to stay with me or by me no matter what. Whether it be friend or something more. I feel so alone even when I have people around me. I hopefully start college next Fall so I am hoping that it helps. But I honestly don’t know what class to take, I don’t know what will make me happy. I just need help.
@Chase:
Chase! I take your remarks very seriously, as that is the age where my rut started, and if you don’t act, ytou get stuck in it during adulthood, and it’s not until you get much older that others bother to help out, because initally people scoff and say “you’re toio young” so your cry for help will be generally ignored or scoffed at.
I won’t ignore it, so don’t worry!
Firstly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L_cGjQSR80
So listen to the video, and we’ll take it from there, after you decide what you really want.
Also your youth is an advantge, you will be forgiven for choosing something you really want to do, and are pasionate about .
I’d have more opposition if I did that.
Hi Annie, I read your comment. I am truly sorry that you are going through such difficulty. I have had extended periods of depression throughout my life. One thing I have learned is “This Too Shall Pass”, just don’t hurt yourself or anyone else. I ran across a book that helped a lot, Sermon On The Mount, written by Emett Fox. I hope this helps.
Randy
I think I have been stuck in a rut for years. I have 7 children of which 5 are still at home (the youngest now 9). I studied at university during having the children. I achieved a BA(hons) Primary Teacher in 2000. I didn’t go straight into work after passing my degree but had two more children. My current partner is the father of 5 of my children. He looked after the children while I studied and became ill with possible Chronic Fatigue after I finished. He has never worked since. He is not a sociable person and has no friends and goes nowhere (except to our allotments) . I have stayed at home since and brought up the children. The last year or so have become very depressed about my situation. We have been on benefits for all these years and I hate it. I have never worked and am now scared to make the move to as I have no confidence in my abilities. I am bored out of my mind at home and no amount of evening courses seem to help. I want to work but have no idea what to do and have never been to an interview in my life (scary.) I have mild Tourette’s Syndrome and this makes me very self conscious. My relationship with my partner is now dead for me as I feel like I want to break away. We still live together and he still wants to be with me but I have no feelings left only anger for him. I feel he is holding me back as he likes to spend 24 hours a day with me and he is suffocating me. He is alcoholic now as a result of using alcohol to help him sleep. 19 years of this has been too much for me but I have no strength left to fight it. The house is in my name not his (I bought it before I met him) but he won’t leave when I have asked him to (3 times over the last few months) I don’t know where to turn for advice and guidance as I don’t think I can do it on my own. Who will take me on to work for them at my age (44) with no experience and no references?
i have work hard and tried eveything i could to get my lover back but nothing works out for me to get him back, any advice?
@Annie:
Try an SSRI
@Julia:
Hi Julia,
I have no idea how long ago you posted your comment. But have you heard of women’s refuges? They are places set up to help women like you who are stuck in a relationship that is dangerous or when you have no where else to go. They will help you find a job and get back on your feet.
I have been through many difficult times. The first was when I was 17
I was no longer connecting with my friends who I thought would always be there. They wanted to smoke, drink and do drugs but I was very against that. I started to feel very withdrawn from my life. We were heading to the end of our secondary school years so the pressure was on for future study and career path. It was probably the last thing I waited to think about. I grew up in a very isolated rual area and during this time my brother only sibling had moved out for the first time and was studying at uni. My mum was quite busy doing uni too and my dad runs his own business so I was very alone.
During my exams I had a break down, I was having delusions and was admitted to a psychiatric ward for adolescents. It was one of the worst times in my life.
I am well and 26 now but still miss having a large social circle. I’m engaged met an amazing man but I’m stuck and I just want a bit more purpose in my life… I’ve been tryibg to finish off some studies which will enable me to start a career in the mental health field but I’m scared that I won’t cope 🙁 as with assessments and exams bring on a major amount of stress and anxiety if it’s hard to do.
I also have struggled with weight gain ever since my break down from medication. I gained over 30kgs and have never felt like myself since. Almost 10 years now and I just want my body back, so much changed for me during that timr but that is one thing I’m not able to accept. My dilemma is though that I just don’t believe I can because it’s been so long now 🙁 I don’t think I can ever be truly happy with myself unless I regain what was lost which was the external me before everything in my life went to shit lol.
I think achieving that would give me some kind of forgiveness for everything thst hsppened to me in that time and I can let go. Because I really do need to move on with my life because otherwise being that much overweight will be holding me bavk from who I truly am.
Katherine, you have summarized exactly what millions and millions of people are going through (some with weight gain, others with substance abuse, still others with emotional challenges) – the bottom line is that, over a number of months and years, bad habits have led to a pattern of behaviors that reinforce negative thoughts and then reinforce the same behaviors…a vicious circle. To snap out of it we need to 1) Create such an amount of pain associated with the current state of being overweight – work on this daily by telling yourself this is NOT acceptable, that you will regain control and once again be back to a healthy and fulfilling weight and 2) Insert consciously through affirmations, focused attention and meditation the beauty, peace, joy and comfort of having already achieved a healthier lifestyle and weight. Stick with this every day even if it doesn’t seem to be having an affect at first, over a few weeks you will begin to notice a huge difference in your outlook which will begin to affect your behavior and soon you will be replacing bad decisions with good ones. From there, you get momentum and simply need to stick with it. And yes, belief is ESSENTIAL to this process, you MUST get back to a place earlier in your life when you were at your desired weight…put yourself back in that place, how were you able to achieve it then? Certainly you can again…here is a recent post on the importance of belief, read this, it may help – https://www.peak-personal-development.com/blog/index.php/why-belief-is-critical-to-success-in-life/
Thanks for sharing Katherine. First off, look at how far you have come? From isolation, loneliness to breakdown and now rising on the other side of all that. Of course you have doubts, but don’t think for a minute that you haven’t shown incredible power, resilience that tells me you can handle anything that comes your way. Keeping to your principles about not wanting to follow the same path of drinking,smoking, drugs as your friends, I can totally relate to that and yes, at the time that was isolating. But later I’ve come to see that it was also something very strong in me that was willing to stand up for what I believed in. In your case, this is you more than coping with a tough time in your life. In terms of coping with exams and tests…that can be managed through a combination of visualizations (seeing yourself in control of your test writing), meditation to help level out the ups and downs, and through perspective – seeing an exam or test as just one speed bump on a journey toward sharing what your greatness with the world…instead of a huge brick wall. I’m convinced from what you have written that you have more than enough ability to carry through on your dreams.
Jeff 🙂 thank you so much. I’m very grateful for your encouragement and words of support. You are awesome. Is there a way I could keep in touch with you? Not sure hoe this page/site is with privacy etc….
Thanks for the posts – they touch a large number of people who no doubt can relate to every word. You can reach me at jeff at peak-personal-development.com (replacing the at with the symbol). Please do keep sharing what you are comfortable sharing on the blog so it will continue to help the community. Thanks…Jeff
Hi All,
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences, it helps to know one is not alone.
Recent college graduate, unable to find a decent paying job. I hate my past and the people in it. It drives me crazy to see all these people with thier happy little lives, while I bested my ass and have nothing to show for it. I cant even pay my cell phone on time. I want to have control of my reality, I cant focus enough to get the ball rolling. I feel lost, angry and resentful… what to do.
Omg god .. You sound like me!!! My names Emma and at the moment I feel like you.. Low self esteem 🙁
Emma – you may be very surprised to know that the majority of people struggle with low self esteem, many for their entire lives. The main point of the post was to 1) Not settle for this, to begin to improve your self esteem now rather than live a life trying to cover it up and 2) To build your self esteem by improving your own inner self confidence rather than relying on approval, confirmation from others – with some basic daily action you can change from having low confidence to slowly building that confidence. Even small changes make huge differences in how you feel and how you come off looking to others. Thanks for your comment Emma!
@Jeff:
Just wanted to say that I think it’s absolutely heart-warming and fantastic that you are so engaged and helpful. Thank you for that.
My pleasure Yvonne, oddly enough when we feel most alone, most frustrated, most depressed is when we are perhaps MOST human. People feel they are going through rough times or are stuck in life by themselves, but in reality we have all been through it haven’t we? To that extent, we can all help one another through comments like yours.
Jeff
@Annie:
If that is your life then you really need to change what you are doing
Hi all,i didn’t realise that so many people had the same problems as me,i will say that even though we all seem to be going through the same thing in life,if we all met each other it wouldn’t be long before we are doing the same thing to each other,talking for two minutes,walking away,avoidance,seeing what we can get out of each other,if we can’t see anything that will benefit us we will probably never see each other again,human beings are generally users who judge each other without getting to know that person….it sucks
Hey everyone
It seems I keep going in and out of ruts. I was in a huge rut of a few years while my dr got me addicted to klonopin. I took the steps and got medically detoxed. Then went back into a small rut, then started exercising and lost 30 lbs. I hurt my back and had to quit exercising 🙁
Now I’m back in a big rut. I’m sad all the time. I’m waiting to hear if I’m getting a job I interviewed for…..if I get it, there is a gym right next door I plan to go to. The money from this job would make me able to have the funds to afford dues there. Even though my back is hurting, ill have to suck it up I guess. Our money is so tight and we are so behind in our bills. This really makes me depressed. I have a 20 month old, and I’m exhausted taking care of her. She needs other kids to play with, and i cant afford daycare right now. I feel like a terrible housewife/mom. I feel like the only way I get things done is when I take norco for my back. That makes me feel really sad, like I’m going backwards, relying on pills. I’m not taking any right now, but the feeling like I want to take them scares me.
I feel like if I get this job it will turn things around, but what if I don’t get it? Will things get worse? I just don’t know. I gotta figure something out. I can’t go on like this 🙁
@Annie:
Very pessimistic. The world isn’t out to get you. Try mindfulness meditation and inculcating a sense of gratitude for the good things in your life, of which there are bound to be a few.
Hi there! This blog post couldn’t be written any better! Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He always kept talking about this. I am going to send this article to him. Pretty sure he’ll have a great read. Many thanks for sharing!
Hey, I know I’m probably rather young to be stuck in a rut, but it happens, right? I’m starting to think that I may just be one of those people who has to constantly be moving in order to feel at peace. I’m turning eighteen on the 17th and I don’t see how my life is going to change at all. I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression, which caused me to drop out of school early. I’m currently living with my father and my two siblings 21 and 16. My older sibling is working two jobs, so I watch her year old son. I watch him from 9:30 to six on a good day. I don’t mind helping my family out, and I love my nephew, I just feel so trapped by my situation. I wonder if this is the only place I’ll ever be. Will I be caught up in this responsibility forever? All I want to do is get out and see the world. Part of me just wants to pack up in order to run away at the earliest moment possible, but I know that wouldn’t be right. All I want is a little me time, so I can hike or something. I know that life isn’t fair, but when did they start expecting me to be a volunteer nanny? I have dreams, too, you know. Sorry, that got really negative and rant-like. Just to clear up, I love my family, I’m just not too ecstatic about this current situation. How can I feel better about it?
Not too young at all Kyla – I remember being in a similar situation except with an elderly grandmother when I was still living at home around your age. Just because you are trapped right now in a certain situation doesn’t mean you always will be. What you want to do is start digging deep within yourself and figuring out the future you want to have. Definitely, short-term, you want to find a way to get some free time for yourself – even if it starts with a walk in the evening or early morning, weekend, etc… Get outside if that’s what gives you peace, learn to meditate if you can – it really works wonders for controlling anxiety and depression and begin to exercise – even moderate exercise will help you feel better. Next, try and get to the root of your anxiety and depression – any idea what brings these feelings on? Finally, you want to begin to build a picture (a movie even) in your mind of what your ideal life would be like…what you would work at, who you would spend time with, what you could do for others and how that would make you feel and ultimately what achievements you would strive for. Don’t edit this – go on faith that having the clear picture alone will get you closer to reaching a new level in your life. I’ve seen this happen again and again for those people who have faith – take the leap and envision your ideal life (if you can’t then find role models of people you admire and dig into how they live their lives – but then internalize that to make it your own) Before long you will begin to see life differently, feel differently and others will see it too.
All sounds great! God lets bad things always happen all the time. I’m a forgotten woman, I’m 55 yrs. old had problems in past with my husband molesting my children often. They are grown and have and still are having problems with life. Many…I pray, pray, pray and help them in many ways. The past l0 yrs. I’ve lived in an old folks home and help my children weekly and sometimes everyday. Which is great. I’m stuck in a old folks home since I was 44yrs, old. My family put me here so when they don’t need me they don’t have to mess with me. I have eplipsy and my ceasures are under control, I don’t drive. I’m ready for a new companion in my life and I am active and think pretty good. I’m in good shape. I live in an old folks with people the age of about 75 to one even l00 yrs. They cannot do anything. I’m so lonely I pray always for the Good Lord to permit someone in my life.
hi, dont know who or what im chatting to, but just been reading the last message made to your site and i would love to help this person. how can any one be in an old ppls home since they were 44, system ahh, anyway got problems of my own, ive disconected with most of my life, too much hurt, too much pain, give up now, just sitting waiting to die, im 51
@Vickie Champion:
A important reminder on the other side of the spectrum is to realize that too much time taking “baby steps” to ultimate “healing”can actually hinder the moving forward process,where normal and appropriate social and behavioral skills are replaced with more isolation and withdrawn behavior from taking too long with those baby steps that ends up in displaced power among populations and inner bitterness that causes more segregation. no one truly has the right to deem another person’s healing process and journey in a systematic objective framework of so called ‘universal” healing similar to each person who heals within among the same time frame/methods, or the outcome may actually become a huge surprise to others that is the opposite of what was expected/predicted. It is critical that others must realize the fine balance in every method we utilize among another person’s life….don’t make a normal person with once modifiable “issues” into a fragile specimen that takes years and years to obtain the ultimate healing process to only leave them without remembering the preious necessary skills of what used to be normal and can no longer be modifiable. Every aspect in our life, including psychology, must maintain a median balance and sadly many people forget this that often obtains negative and more harmful outcomes than positive which loses the site of the original goal and sadly the original identity of that person. Each sides of the spectrum must maintain equiliruim, where a adult should not be considered taking “baby” steps and a true baby should not be thrown into the fire from the frying pan, so to speak. Food for thought while utilizing age appropriate methods so not to strip a person of their dignity, equality, and their rights to appropriate choices while <<<<healing<<<
Hi, I feel like I am stuck in a rut and don’t know how to get out.
I have worked in retail since I was 15 and have been there for 10 years, working part time. Yes, I’m 25 years old. I have a bachelor of social science 2015 which qualifies me for welfare jobs. I can’t get a job as I lack experience according to employers, who I have had several interviews. I feel like I am getting left behind.
I have bipolar 1, mild. Due to no job outside of retail I still live at home.
I also have no boyfriend. Probably being overweight and lacking confidence doesn’t help. I don’t go out much. I live in Brisbane, Australia and am thinking I might have to go overseas such as uk to gain experience in admin, etc. as I can’t get a job here.
Any ideas on what I should do? 3 years of looking for a job, gets you down. Thank you for your help and advice.