Finding Your Place In Life
I hear from many so-called introverts who feel they are the only one’s that feel like they had been placed on the wrong planet, that they just don’t feel like they totally fit in and deperately want to find a way to be “normal” or “that person” they picture as the optimal character that does fit in with society.
See if any of these statements ring a bell?
- You feel more serious and alone than others seem to?
- You would rather think, learn or experience life than hoarse around, socialize or act crazy
- You are always thinking about how you don’t seem to fit into certain situations…that you stand out, look silly or can’t get things right
- You have a huge internal battle going on between your creative, thinking side and the person you believe you “should” be to fit in
It’s true that being a thinker, creative and life loving individual can be a challenge in the teen and twenty-something years as people try and find their identity in the world. It is also true that because we tend to think, reflect and analyze life more, that means we also tend to over-analyze our place in the world compared to others who may just exist in these challenging times of self-discovery.
I can totally relate to your situation as well, I was always more serious, yet inside a dreamer as I grew up — still that way largely today, although I have learned to loosen up, enjoy all kinds of situations and people and to become more confident.
But there are some common mistakes introverts, thinkers or shy people make that can get them into trouble…so let’s discuss those now:
1. I don’t buy that because you are more introvert than extrovert (this is a sliding scale and people can slide more to the middle over time) that you have to be less confident or more shy. Just because you enjoy thinking, dreaming, imagining, and creating doesn’t mean that you need to have low self-esteem or be shy around others. I don’t even like the word introvert, instead we are more creative, enthusiastic about life and thoughtful…when put that way, doesn’t sound so bad does it?
2. Now, if there are situations where you don’t feel confident – then that can be addressed. Low self-confidence often comes from deeply engrained fears – fear of looking bad, fear of losing something, fear of embarassment…Even worse, we tend to replay and enhance the potential impact of what “may” happen to the point of total irrationality (near paranoia). I have found a few techniques help with fears…1) Writing them out – identifying what it is you are afraid of happening that makes you uncomofortable – write it out dozens of times so that you unburden your sub-conscious 2) Take the time to meditate each day – the single biggest benefit I have found from meditation over the years is being able to place objectivity back into assessing fears. Instead of inflating fear, you actually see it for what it is which is often less than we make it out to be today. Meditation really is a terrific tool for strenghening your ability to deal with everday life – challenging situations and deep-seeded fear. 3) Stop putting yourself at the center of every sitiuation. People with low self confidence and shyness often view themselves as the center of attention which puts tremendous fear and pressure on them “looking good” or “acting just right” When, in fact, you are just one small part of a social dynamic that is 90% not about you and 10% about you
To sum up — you CAN be both thoughtful, creative, and have a love of life without having to be an introvert or shy or have low self-confidence. AND..the way to get there is to tackle your low self-confidence, manage your fear and anxiety and ease the pressure on yourself by taking yourself out of the center of all situations which today cause you to try so hard to fit in.
One of the best books on the topic of turning your gifts, skills and the person YOU are today into achieving great things, gaining self-confidence and having more fun in life is Attracting Greatness…and incredible 5-step process for letting the Greatness within you shine through in all of it’s power…to undo what has been holding you back and being fulfilled with your place in life.
What about you…have you ever struggled with feelings of not fitting in?
Jeff
Comments on When You Feel You Don’t Fit In?
thank you for this post. I’m a little shy to admit this (however not so much as to be afraid to post it here) but everything you said here really hit the core of me.
I’ve always been fearful. In return, I’ve grown to be a so called ‘introvert’ and always thinking I’m the center of all attention or the ‘victim’ as they say.
I love your take on meditation. I’ve actually been really really fascinated by the art of meditation. So far it’s gotten me farther than I ever dreamed it could have. I’m actually starting to get into Chi-Gung as a way to expand to different varieties and I’m loving it so far.
I’ll always remember your words of motivation. I really will. Thanks again.
Brandon
Thanks for posting Brandon. Absolutely, there are many of us who at one point or another in life have struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low self confidence or anxiety that flows into fear – the challenge is that we spend more and more time manufacturing that fear, playing images of uncomfortableness and awkwardness over and over in our minds until it is blown way out of proportion. Meditation is one way to step back from the subjectivity with which we judge ourselves and see things more objectively (the way they really are). The result is that we stop beating ourselves up and let more of our true personality through.
I find that very true. There have been several events that happened to me before that I bring with me in my consciousness throughout my life until even now.
The challenge is definitely the fact that I do play those events over and over and eventually become a slave to them. They replay even unconsciously when dealing with the present.
I just downloaded your e-book about meditation and will be reading it soon, I’m really looking forward to it.
I have a question.
You said that meditation is a way of stepping back from the subjectivity with which we judge ourselves and see things more objectively. What if there are other people who are close to you that share similar (not exactly the same) type of issues that you have? And therefore, there’s a lot of the same negative feedback that is being transferred back and forth, impeding the process with which we are trying to see things more objectively. What kind of role would meditation play in trying to not only change your own perceptions of things but the involvements of others as well?
I hope that made sense. Do you see what I mean?
Sure – I see exactly what you mean. What I have found is that negative things tend to bounce off of you when you have meditated for a period of time. In other words, I find it like a shield toward the negative and at the same time a source of positive from within. When I first started serious meditation back nearly 18-years ago now, I found I attracted fewer negative people and more positive people…I suppose the fact that negative people just didn’t get the same attachment as they do with other negative people likely had something to do with it. Some changed along with me, others didn’t and went on as acquaintenances more than close friends. This just sort of happened naturally over time, not really anything I had intentionally planned.
Wow, I never looked at it that way. Interesting. I guess I have a long way to go and lots to learn :).
Jeff, thank you for your time to reply back, I deeply appreciate your kind words.
I’m actually thinking of turning my blog more into a personal development blog because this is more of the kind of things that hits me harder than topics in fitness.
I just stumbled upon your blog today and it’s definitely going to be a place to go on a daily basis for me now.
Thanks again, Take Care.
I am an introvert and I love being one, I love and appreciate my extroverted friends too..Its unfortunate that most people associate being an introvert with feelings of lack of esteem and confidence. They confuse feeling shy and lack of confidence. Like the writer of this blog..SO SAD,
LOL
Completely agree Ana – I think if you read the post again, and read the other posts on this blog you will see that I go into great detail in arguing that introverted does NOT mean being shy or having low self confidence – in fact the title of the post is “When You Feel You Don’t Fit In” – in other words, this article was directed at people who are not happy, are not confident and want to improve. As you say, nothing wrong with tending toward introversion – the issue is when you are acting introverted because of fear or lack of confidence. If you choose your direction and you are happy – great. If you are letting circumstances or your own internal fears and anxiousness dictate your behavior – that’w when people get into trouble. Thanks for commenting.